I’ve lived a trauma-filled life. As a child of chaos, I learned to detach and foster peace. Whether by being overly apologetic or using performative behavior. Yet, even peace can be sneakily infiltrated when agitated. Then I became impenetrable. I was the only one who had the power to manipulate my emotions. Through it all—danger, achievements, loss, disrespect—I had control. Now, my nervous system is fragile and delicate. After decades of being on high alert, I feel everything deeply. A raised voice, a false judgment, the joys and stressors of others, overwhelming excitement, the cries through a screen—all triggers, like picking a wound that has scabbed over. A scar sensitive to the touch.
In some moments, tears fill my eyes, and I can’t locate the source. Am I trusting God with the uncertainty of tomorrow, processing the grief for a mourning friend, or affirming my skinfolk in distress? Luckily, I have mastered the art of masking. If others could see past my weaponry smile and my aura of armor, they would see the battle in my eyes. I hold tightly to my pride in fear of being perceived as incompetent, but truthfully, I’m tired and scared. I know the battle is not mine, and God has never lost, but my flesh can be punctured and torn.
We may feel fragile, but we are not broken.
Like you, I am deeply marked by my experiences. Life feels like a constant state of crisis, and as Miranda Bailey said, “If you’re not scared, you’re not paying attention.” Yet, we are not defined by our traumas but by our ability to rise above them. We may feel fragile, but we are not broken. We may be tired, but we are not defeated. Even as we experience lows, hold tightly to your belief that God will balance them with high blessings and unexpected miracles.
By openly sharing our trials and failures, others will know we are not perfect and often feel inadequate or dissatisfied. However, we are learning to navigate this fragile state, acknowledging our fears while trusting that God is always with us. Even in the darkest moments, I hold onto the assurance of Job 23:17: “But I am not destroyed (or silenced) by darkness, nor by deep gloom which covers me.”